Domestic Violence is About Power and Control

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, takes several forms:  physical, emotional, and sexual.  Domestic violence is not about violence directly.  The violence is the method in which the batterer demonstrates his [I will use the male gender because most batterers are men] power and control over his victim. 

 

Ways the batterer exercises his power and control:

1.    Intimidation;

2.    Emotional abuse;

3.    Isolation;

4.    Minimizing (his behavior), denying (his behavior), and blaming (the victim for his bad behavior);

5.    Using the children;

6.    Preventing the victim from having any money of her own;

7.    Male privilege; and

8.    Coercion and threats.

 

The abuser will mix and match methodologies to achieve this highest level of fear in his victim so she will cooperate or meet his demands.  Any combination of any of the above factors is enough to keep the victim from leaving the batterer.

Help for Victims of Domestic Violence

There are a number of services available (most of them are free) to victims of domestic violence.  If you are a victim in need of services, the first place you should try to contact is your local domestic violence project.  They can either provide the service you need, or can put you in contact with someone who can.  You should know that domestic violence projects will not tell you what to do, but will provide you with knowledge and options to make the best decision for you and your family.

 

Services frequently provided by domestic violence projects include:

911 cell phones

Safety planning

Emergency shelter

Relocation

Food or other basic needs

Long term housing needs

Court personnel to help you attain an order of protection

Some projects may provide limited legal services

Individual and/or group counseling, for adults and children

See if you are eligible for grant money for deposits on a different place to live

Help you sign up for any social services you may be eligible for or require; and

Almost any other service or assistance you need to get back on your feet!

 

To find a local domestic violence project, visit the National Coalition of Domestic Violence or call their hotline 1-800-799-7233.

Domestic Violence Safety in Rural Areas

If you live in a rural area or a small town, there are some extra things to keep in mind when you’re making a safety plan.

 

It may take police and sheriffs a long time to get to you.

If you call the police, get to a safe place to wait for the police. You may want to go to a friend or neighbor’s house or a public place you think is safe.

If you decide to leave your abuser, think about leaving your area, at least for a little while. Think about it even if you get a protective order.

 

A lot of times, there aren’t any buses, taxis, or other types of public transportation – and your abuser may keep you from using the car.

 Make a plan with a friend you trust to give you a ride when you need one.

 See if your local sheriff’s office or police department can help you.

 See if any local churches, synagogues or spiritual groups can help you.

 Talk with a domestic violence worker. She or he can help you make a plan to get a ride when you need one.

 

Your abuser may have weapons.

Be aware of things that your abuser can use as a weapon. He may use sharp or heavy objects, like a hammer or an ice pick, to hurt you.

Know where guns, knives, and other weapons are. If you can, lock them up or make them as hard to get to as you can.

Figure out “safe places” in your home – places where there aren’t weapons. If it looks like your abuser is about to hurt you, try to get to a safe place. Stay out of the kitchen, garage, or workshop. Try to avoid rooms with tile or hardwood floors

 

There may be many isolated areas in your community. These isolated areas can be dangerous for you.

Try to stay away from isolated areas when you can.

Travel “in a pack”. If you can, have someone in charge of paying attention to safety and what’s going on around you.

Consider leaving the area, at least for a little while. Consider it even if you get a protective order.

Carry a cell phone if you can, but don’t count on it too much. Cell phones may not get good service in some places, and batteries do run out. Ask your local domestic violence organization if they give out cell phones. Have emergency numbers on speed dial.

 

Safe places, like a friend’s house or a shelter, may be far away.

If you can use a car, try to keep a full tank of gas.

 In winter, keep clothing for cold weather (like a hat, scarf, and jacket) in an easy-to-get-to place. If you can, keep them in your car.

Be aware of where neighbors live along the road in case you need to pull over.

In your area, people may know where the domestic violence shelter is – the shelter location may not be confidential.

Be aware that your abuser and other people may know where the shelter is.

Think about going to a shelter outside of where you live, even if it’s only for a little while.

If you go to the shelter, cover your car with a sheet. This can help keep your abuser and other people from seeing your car in the parking lot.

Source:  “Safety in Rural Areas,” WomensLaw.org

GPS Monitoring as a Tool to Stop Batterers

In response to domestic homcides, many states (including Florida) are implementing underutilized laws to allow for GPS tracking of domestic batterers. 

Arguments in support of GPS tracking:

1. Allows police to keep tabs on domestic violence offenders
2. Alerts police and victims when an offender enters a restricted zone
3. Alert police if the offender attempts to remove or tamper with the monitoring bracelet
4. Deters offenders from re-offending.  Massachusetts has found that offenders with GPS are very unlikely to reoffend.
5. Enforce the kind of protection that a restraining/protective order can’t.

GPS Tracking can’t:

1. Guarantee that an offender won’t reoffender
2. Guarantee that an offender won’t be more aggitated because he is under 24/7 surveillance
3. Protect victims from long-distance harrassment or other abuse
4. If police can’t locate the offender to start with, they can’t put a monitoring bracelet on him

Issues with GPS tracking:

1. Who pays for the service
2. Are any offender rights violated?

Biggest benefit of GPS tracking:  fewer overnight stays in shelter programs

Source:  “Tracking Device:  How about using GPS monitoring to stop batterers?“ by Maura Kelly, Slate

Protecting Yourself From a Dangerous Spouse During Separation

1. Have a plan and a safety plan
2. Have a support group in place
3. Consider an order of protection

For help with all of the above, contact your local domestic violence project.  Most domestic violence projects have trained, certified counselors on staff who can attend to your special circumstances and help you safely plan the best strategy for you.  The staff can help you develop a safety plan, provide individual and group counseling, and many projects have court advocates to assist you with the order of protection paperwork.  Most or all of the above services are often free of charge!

NOTE:  Be aware that your abuser may be tracking your internet usage with cookies!

Nassau County, Florida:  www.micahsplace.org or hotline 1-800-500-1119.

Duval County, Florida:  www.hubbardhouse.org/hh or hotlines:  (800) 500-1119 or (904) 354-3114.

Nationally:  National Coalition of Domestic Violence www.ncadv.org 1-800-779-7233.

Divorcing spouses who cohabitate

I am personally not a fan or supporter of divorcing spouses who cohabitate.  I have seen too many problems result.  However, in the course of a weak economy, people seem to believe they can make it work.  I disagree.  Following is an extreme and tragic example of why divorcing spouses shouldn’t cohabitate:

An Athens, Georiga couple was going through divorce proceedings.  They attended a court-ordered mediation session that did not result in a settlement agreement.  After the mediation session, the husband beat his wife to death with a baseball bat, called his employer to say he would not be coming in to work that evening, called his attorney to tell her his wife was dead, then committed suicide by shooting himself in the head with a revolver. 

Did I mention the judge had ordered the husband to turn over any guns to another family member while the divorce was pending?

Although the husband was fighting the terms of the divorce, no one saw this violent end coming…not the wife (who had been in good spirits on the day of her murder), the attorneys, or anyone else.  Further, there was no history of domestic violence or allegations of abuse.

Source

Domestic Violence effects not only children from homes involved in domestic violence, but their classmates as well

A study found that children from households linked to domestic violence were 44 percent more likely to have been suspended from school and 28 percent more likely to have been disciplined for bad behavior. The impact was seen across genders, races and income levels.  Further, not only did children from troubled homes suffer, however: Test scores fell and behavior problems increased for their classmates as well.

“There are many reasons for disruptive classroom behavior; domestic violence is one particularly good indicator of a troubled child,” co-author Steve Carrell said.

Source

How to get bail set at $10M/How to lose your assets during divorce/How to lose your divorce case

Former husband kidnapped, bound, gagged, drugged, tortured, and his soon to be ex-wife for five days, then coerced his wife to give them all of their assets in their divorce.

Wife escaped.  Husband caught.  Bond set at $10M.

All because he didn’t want to pay alimony, or so he says. 

(Seems to me that alimony is far from his mind at this point.)

Source