Divorce, Children, and the Holidays

The holiday season is particularly difficult for children whose parents are divorced, especially the first post-divorce holiday season.  Abby Deliz’s article “Helping Children of Divorce Cope During Holidays: Tips for Divorced Parents to Survive the Holiday Season,” discusses how the children may feel and tips to help your children deal with the situation, including:

• Don’t overindulge the child with too many gifts
• Parents shouldn’t compete with each other over who gets to give the “better” gift
• Have a set holiday schedule that the child knows about in advance
• Make new holiday traditions
• Set a positive example by getting along with your ex and allowing your child to visit both parents

Please see the entire article for more on the emotional health of your child during the holidays and more tips!

High number of children injured or killed by accidental overdose

Many children are finding prescription painkillers in the home, ingesting them, and suffering serious consequences.  9,000 children in the U.S. have suffered injury due to accidental overdose between 2003 and 2006. 

Here are the ways you can keep children safe:

1. Keep drugs in a locked cabinet.
2. Keep track of you medications.  (Be careful of dropping or losing them.)
3. Remember that childproof packages aren’t really childproof.
4. Never leave medications, vitamins, or other items out in the open.
5. When guests visit, put luggage, purses, coats, and bags away.
6. Store drugs in their original containers.
7. Discard unused medications.
8. Seek help immediately.  Signs of overdose include: shallow breathing, clammy skin, constricted pupils, convulsions, and coma.  Even if you think the child may have ingested a hazardous material, seek medical attention immediately.

Read the full article here:  Prescription Opiates and Kids:  One Pill Can Kill.

10 Tips if Divorce is Imminent

1.    Consult an Attorney

Make sure you know what your rights and obligations are.  Be aware of how your behavior could affect the outcome of any potential divorce proceedings, i.e., should you move out of the marital home?

2.    Copy Documents

Make copies of everything you can find: tax returns, bank statements, check registers, investment statements, retirement account statements, employee benefits handbooks, life insurance policies, medical/dental insurance policies, mortgage documents, applications for credit, deeds and titles to property, financial statements, credit card statements, wills, social security statements, automobile titles, any prenuptial or postnuptial agreements between the parties, documentation of any child support either spouse already pays, etc.  Remember to check the home computer for additional documentation.  Florida requires certain documents be disclosed in all divorce proceedings.  Find that list here.  It is easier to obtain these documents before you separate than after.

3.    Inventory Household and Family Possessions

List the major items: furniture, artwork, jewelry, appliances, automobiles, etc.  Did you forget about anything in storage or that someone else is holding for you or borrowed from you?

4.    Know the Household Budget and Expenses

Examine and record where every penny goes.  This is important to determine if there are temporary needs while the divorce is pending and to determine the amounts owed between parties when negotiating a settlement or final judgment.

5.    Determine How to Manage Family Debt

Try to pay down any debt you may have if you can before divorce.  Division of debt is often a sticking point in divorce proceedings.  Cancel credit accounts if one spouse is too willing to whip out the credit card for unnecessary items.

6.    Find Out Exactly What Your Spouse Earns

Gain this information through paystubs, other documents, or casual conversation with your spouse’s business partner.

7.    Make a Realistic Appraisal of Your Earning Potential

What is a realistic view of your earning potential before and after the divorce?  Will some changes need to be made here?  If you have been a homemaker for a lengthy period of time, will education help you become self-sufficient?  Will your work schedule or location be effected by your divorce and your ability to care for your children?  What child care needs should be considered?

8.    Examine Your Own Credit History

Either establish or reestablish credit in your own, individual name.

9.    Build a Net Egg of Your Own

Try to have access to your own money in case your spouse stops paying the household expenses or bills during the divorce proceedings.  You may also need additional money for an attorney’s retainer, security deposit on a new residence, deposits on utilities, costs of moving, etc.

10.  Put Your Kids at the Top of Your Agenda

Divorce is not about you or your spouse when children are involved.  Children generally have no choice in the matter and their needs and wellbeing should always be your first concern.  Keep their routines as normal as possible, don’t argue in front of the children, don’t bad-mouth the other party to the children, stay involved with your children and their activities as much as possible, and don’t use your children as your sounding board, psychologist, attorney, or counselor! 

Source for some information here.

Domestic Violence effects not only children from homes involved in domestic violence, but their classmates as well

A study found that children from households linked to domestic violence were 44 percent more likely to have been suspended from school and 28 percent more likely to have been disciplined for bad behavior. The impact was seen across genders, races and income levels.  Further, not only did children from troubled homes suffer, however: Test scores fell and behavior problems increased for their classmates as well.

“There are many reasons for disruptive classroom behavior; domestic violence is one particularly good indicator of a troubled child,” co-author Steve Carrell said.

Source

100 Tips and Resources to Get You Through a Divorce

Christina Laun over at the Love Coach put together this amazing list of tips and resources! 

Tips

Try following these basic tips to get through the early stages of your divorce.

1. Accept that it’s over. Your divorce may have come as a surprise and you may not be the one that wants the split, but hanging on to a relationship where one partner isn’t committed is just going to make you more miserable in the long run. Start learning to accept that your marriage is over and thinking about your life after the split.
2. Set realistic goals. Like with any breakup, it’s going to take time to get over your divorce. Set personal goals for yourself that are both challenging and realistic to help you get back on track.
3. Get to know the laws of your state. Depending on the state you’re in, what you’re entitled to after a divorce can vary widely. Read up on divorce law in your state to find out what you’ll be facing in court.
4. Protect your assets. You may think it can’t happen to you, but some spouses have drained joint accounts, racked up huge expenses and more when they know divorce is on the horizon. As soon as you can, dissolve joint accounts, resolve life insurance policies and make sure other valuables are in a secure, third-party location until the divorce is over.
5. Be open and honest with your children. If you have children, be honest with them about what is going on. Avoid laying blame and talking bad about your spouse, however, as this will only serve to confuse and hurt children.
6. Keep it civil. You may be fighting mad at your spouse but screaming at them and being unnecessarily mean won’t make you feel any better. Keep things as calm and as civil as you can.
7. Be reasonable. Marriage is all about compromise and so is divorce. Be reasonable in what you expect to take away from it so neither of you end up with additional animosity towards one another.
8. Seek out support. Going through a divorce can be rough and you’ll likely need the support of friends and family to get through it. If you don’t feel you can talk to them, find a support group or therapist where you can vent.
9. Hire a lawyer you trust. Getting a good lawyer is essential to not getting taken for a ride during your divorce. Try to find someone that your friends and family can recommend or whom you feel comfortable with.
10. Don’t settle for less than you’re entitled to. It may be tempted to cut negotiations short just to get things over with, but taking less that you deserve will hurt you in the long run. Keep negotiations calm and collected and follow through to the end.
11. Avoid forcing children to choose sides. No matter who is at fault for the divorce, children are going to love and want to be with both parents. Don’t force children to choose sides or use them to pass on hurtful messages to your spouse.
12. Keep yourself healthy and rested. With all the stress from a divorce it can be hard to make time to eat right, get enough sleep, and generally take are of yourself. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by doing this, however, so set the time aside to tend to your own needs.
13. Don’t say or do anything you don’t want to show up in court. You may have a lot of choice words for your spouse, but during a divorce it’s probably better to keep them to yourself. You never know what may be used against you in court.

Helpful Websites

Check out these websites for advice, information, resources, links and more.

1. DivorceInfo.com: Check out this site for advice on child support, mediation, alimony, property division and more.
2. DivorceSupport.com: Everything you need to know about getting divorced you can find on this page with resources by state, forums, downloads and a variety of other resources.
3. DivorceHQ: This site provides resources for a wide range of divorce related issues including alimony, child support, visitation, separation, divorce attorneys and a whole lot more.
4. Divorce Dex: Here you’ll find an index of 100’s of divorce related terms that can provide you with the information and guidance you need to make educated choices.
5. The Smart Divorce: Pay this site a visit to get advice and find consulting services that can help you survive a divorce intact.
6. DivorceNet: Get advice on the divorce laws in your state and find out about a myriad of divorce issues that will affect you and your family on this site.
7. Divorce Magazine: This site can be a good place to find a lawyer, get some of your questions answered and read some helpful articles.
8. Divorce Support: This About.com resource guide can provide you with articles on topics like child custody, differences in state divorce laws and more.
9. Divorce Online: Find listings, information and a number of useful divorce resources on this large site.
10. Woman’s Divorce: Get tips and information created to help women make the transition through divorce on this site, including issues with money, children and careers.
11. Dad’s Divorce: Dads going through a divorce can find news, articles, resources, legal assistance and much more here.
12. Divorce Interactive: Check out this site for discussion forums on divorce as well as state-by-state guides that can answer your questions on divorce.

Blogs

Read these blogs to get advice from divorce lawyers and find support from others going through a hard divorce.

1. Thrive After Divorce: Give this blog a read for advice on ways that you can care for yourself to rebuild your life, self-worth and finances after a divorce.
2. Judith’s Divorce Blog: Get reflections on divorce and separation from Judith Middleton, a practitioner of divorce law.
3. Lawlady’s Divorce Blog: Divorce attorney Stefani Quane practices law in Seattle, Washington and blogs about issues related to divorce and divorce laws on this blog.
4. Life After Divorce: New Horizons: Learn to grow and expand your horizons after a divorce by checking out the posts on this blog by Annie O’Neill
5. Christian Living After Divorce: Those who follow the Christian faith may appreciate this blog which provides faith-based insights on how to deal with life after divorce.
6. Fresh Start After Divorce Blog: Join this community of divorcees to get support and inspiration. The blog provides weekly posts on ways you can recover and rebuild after divorce.
7. One Father’s Struggle With Separation and Divorce: Follow the recovery of this doting dad from his divorce as he posts inspiration that can help you realize you’re not alone in your struggles.
8. Divorce Advice: Get advice on everything from choosing the right lawyer to healing after divorce on this new blog.
9. Top Divorce Tips: This blog is full of tips that can help you deal with the emotional, financial and legal issues that arise when you get divorced.
10. Divorce My Way: Get financial and emotional advice from Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Judith Gerhart to help you through your divorce with finances intact.
11. Break Up Stories: Read about break up stories on this blog. It can be a great way to vent and get support.
12. Celebrity Divorce: You’re not the only one out there getting a divorce. Check out this blog for the dirt on dozens of celebrity splits and relationships.

Support Groups and Forums

There’s no reason to go through a divorce without someone to talk to and comfort you. These organizations and sites can provide the support and help you need to get through a divorce.

1. DivorceCare: Find a support group and get advice on healing from divorce with the resources provided through this divorce counseling group.
2. Divorce Recovery 101: This site aims to provide a supportive environment as well as information on a wide range of divorce related topics.
3. How to Find a Divorce Support Group: iVillage has put together this article to point you in the right direction if you’re struggling to find a support group during or after your divorce.
4. Banana Splits: This support group is designed to help the children of divorced parents come to terms with their new living situation. Children will get a safe place to talk and express their feelings. Check out their site for groups meeting near you.
5. Parents Without Partners: Meet up with other newly single parents and learn from each other on how you’re coping with being parents while going through or after a divorce.
6. DivorceStep: Here you’ll find support and information on dealing with issues surrounding both divorce and the establishment of a step-family.
7. Daily Strength: On this site you’ll be able to chat with other divorcees, create goals for yourself, and ask questions to help you get through your divorce.
8. The Divorce Forum: This community for people going through a divorce provides discussion boards, suggested reading, seminars, radio shows and more.
9. Divorce Care and Support: Based on MSN, this community is committed to helping people move through a divorce. It provides a message board, resource center and chat rooms.
10. Divorce Survivors Support Group: Check out this group for a collection of resources geared towards men as well as a chat room, discussion board and a whole lot more.
11. I Wish I Said No!: Don’t harbor regrets about your marriage. Get it all out on this site’s forum which provides help and support for those going through a divorce.
12. Divorce360: Here you can find a supportive community for those going through a divorce with special emphasis on issues of moving on, child support, and more.

Must Read Articles

These articles cover some divorce basics, give helpful advice, and let you know what to watch out for when going through a divorce.

1. Non-Legal Resources to Get You Through Your Divorce: While lawyers may be your major expenditure during your divorce make sure to take care of your other needs as well. This article provides information on how to find support groups, therapists and accountants as well.
2. 10 Things Not to Do When You Divorce: Going through a divorce can be an emotionally and physically trying time, but don’t make it harder than it has to be. Follow these tips and avoid a lot of unnecessary stress.
3. Tips for Dealing With Anger During a Divorce: Emotions can run high during a divorce but that doesn’t mean you have to let them affect your life negatively. These tips can help you control your anger and reduce your stress.
4. Move On After a Divorce: Check out this article for tips on how you can move on after a painful divorce and find happiness and maybe even love again.
5. Top Ten Myths of Divorce: People have a lot of misconceptions about divorce. Read this article to find out the truth behind the myths.
6. Divorce Dirty Tricks: Read up on these tricks and traps spouses use to cheat each other out of money and other marital assets.
7. Tips for an Impending Divorce: You know you’re getting divorced but you don’t know where or how to begin preparing. This article can give you some guidance and insight on what to expect and what to do.
8. What to Take When You Go: Learn what items you are legally entitled to take with you when you separate.
9. Guide to Grieving: Coping With a Divorce or Relationship Breakup: Get some advice on how to deal with the painful emotional consequences of divorce from this helpful guide.
10. Divorce Matters: Coping With Stress and Change: Getting divorced can make you feel like your life is coming apart at the seams. Get a little advice on dealing with all the changes and anxiety from this guide.
11. 10 Tips for Marriage After Divorce: Learn how to make it work the second time around with tips from this article that include learning from your mistake and settling your first marriage.
12. How to Divorce as Friends: Provided there is no source of animosity between you, you and your spouse may be able to divorce amicably. Check out this site for more information.

Divorce and Kids

Going through a divorce is difficult, but it can be even more so when kids are involved. Ensure your children have the support they need by checking out these resources.

1. Helping Your Child Through a Divorce: KidsHealth provides this article to give parents advice on guiding their kids through a divorce
2. The Effects of Divorce on Children and How to Cope: Divorced dads can get some help from this About.com article on how they can make divorce less stressful on their children.
3. Keep Close to Home After a Divorce: Studies have shown that having both parents close by after a divorce is key to children’s success. Read this article for more information.
4. A Kid’s Guide to Divorce: This site can provide information about divorce to your kids in a manner they can understand. It’s available in both English and Spanish.
5. Kids’ Turn: This non-profit organization is dedicated to helping kids (and their parents) get through a divorce. It is based in San Francisco, but has programs all over the US.
6. Sandcastles Program: Sandcastles was started in Dade County, Florida and now has programs in places all over the US. In many cases it is mandatory and can help children to understand and deal with issues surrounding divorce.
7. Putting Kids First: This organization is dedicating to helping strengthen families both divorced and not and can be a good resource for advice on helping your children through divorce.
8. How to Prepare for Child Custody Mediation: Find out what you can expect from a child custody mediation and what you should be prepared to present and comment on when you go in with help from this article.
9. The Youngest Victims of Divorce: Learn ways you can help protect your children from the most unpleasant aspects of divorce with some help from this article from eNotAlone.com:
10. Dealing With Divorce: 7 Tips to Protect Your Kids: Here you can get some helpful tips on making your divorce a little less painful for your children.
11. Seven Simple Tips About Child Custody Issues: Battling it out over who gets the kids can be a long and painful affair, but this article can help you resolve some of the major issues more easily.
12. Child Custody: Tips for Building Your Case: Create a bulletproof child custody case with a little help from the advice on this article.
13. Success Factors for Fathers Seeking Custody of Their Children: Learn what can make all the difference for dads seeking sole custody of their kids including attorneys, being actively involved, and having the right judge on your case.

Finances

No doubt about it, divorce can put a hefty dent in your finances. Help limit the impact by giving these sites a read.

1. Going Through a Divorce: This guide from the NIH Credit Union is designed to give you some suggestions on saving your finances and your credit before and after your divorce.
2. Going Through a Divorce Without Going Broke: Geared towards women, this article provides information on how you can prevent your divorce from causing you financial ruin. It gives tips on what to do before, dealing with child support and alimony, and how to choose a lawyer.
3. Credit and Divorce from the FTC: The Federal Trade Commission goes over how getting a divorce may affect your credit and ways to protect yourself beforehand.
4. Ten Divorce Tax Tips: Getting divorced can complicate a lot of things, including taxes. This article can ensure you know what to do when it comes tax time.
5. Dealing With the Financial Impact of Divorce: This article can help you learn the various ways divorce may impact your finances and what you can expect.
6. Four Post-Divorce Financial Tips: Divorce can wreck havoc on your finances, but you can learn how to recover with these tips and suggestions.
7. Divorce and Your Finances: The Seven Most Costly Mistakes: Don’t make the mistakes outlined in this article if you want to go through your divorce without going broke.
8. The Financial Consequences of Divorce: This CBS News report can give you some advice on how you can save money while going through a divorce.
9. Financial Survival Guide for Divorce: Check out this BankRate article which can help you learn how to go through a divorce while keeping yourself financially in the black.
10. Divorce and Dividing Marital Assets: The Equality in Marriage Institute provides this informative article on how your assets may be divided depending on where you live.
11. Dividing Marital Assets In Your Divorce Settlement Agreement: Make sure you get everything that you deserve in a divorce by reading this article.
12. Dividing Assets: What to Do in a Divorce: Get some advice on how assets can be divided if you choose to divorce and what the laws may provide for in your area.

Legal Resources

If you’re getting divorced, chances are pretty good you’re going to need legal representation. These sites can help you find a lawyer and provide helpful information on learning the law about divorce.

1. State-By-State Divorce Laws: Find out what the laws in your state are regarding divorce. You’d be surprised at the ways divorce laws vary, so educate yourself on what to expect.
2. Divorce Source: This site provides a large listing of legal professionals that specialize in divorce as well as advice and information on divorce laws.
3. Divorce Law Info: Find out everything you’ll need to know about the legal aspects of your divorce with the information provided by this site. You’ll even find all the paperwork you need if you choose to do it yourself.
4. Cornell University Law School: Divorce: Learn about the legal ins and outs of getting a divorce through the definitions and information provided by this university site.
5. About Divorce.org: This site aims to create a comprehensive place to find legal resources, information on state laws and a variety of other legal based advice.
6. Divorce Helpline: You may be able to find legal support on this site that will actually keep you out of court and make the process easier on you. The service is limited to those in California, however.
7. Millennium Divorce: Here you’ll find divorce laws and information for dealing with separation, divorce, child custody, and mediation.
8. FindLaw: Check out this site if you’re in need of a divorce lawyer. It has listings for lawyers nationwide and helpful information on legal issues.
9. Can You Do Your Own Divorce?: Do you really need a lawyer? This site examines the practice of do-it-yourself divorces.
10. Preparing for the Worst: Prenuptial Agreements: This article goes through the reasons and legal issues behind prenuptial agreements in case of a divorce.
11. Military Law and Divorce: Sometimes different rules apply to those in the military or married to a servicemember who want to get a divorce. Check out this site to find out what issues you may be facing.
12. Common Law Marriage: Even though you may not be technically married, some states recognize common law marriages. You can find more information on this site about the legal issues that may arise from this.
13. Annulment Law: If you believe your marriage may be eligible for an annulment rather than a divorce read up on the details provided by this article.
14. Moving Out: Some Misconceptions: Deciding who moves out and when can be a tricky issue when it comes to divorce. This article can help you protect your legal rights and ensure the separation is smooth.